In Our Separateness

You sit outside in the sunshine  With your red pen and paper

I sit in the cabin with the sun shining in With my silver computer

I see your bare foot Mine are in slippers

With your hair pulled back  Sunglasses resting on your face

Me with my hair down  Looking through binoculars 

Your Nalgene water bottle next to you My YETI coffee mug next to me

A small glimpse of your wedding ring on your left hand as your hold your journal Mine in full sight as I type away

The small silver earring in your left ear The other part of the pair in mine

What is it you write? I write about you

You lean against the wall between two windows I sit up straight on this stool between three windows

Shadows of cloth hang over you The shadow of the bird feeder spins on the ground in front of me

The shadow of the cabin touches your foot And water from the dog bowl touches mine

If only I could be next to you in that open space on the bench If only you could be next to me here in the open seat in the cabin

My heart would feel good and delighted I imagine I think you would feel it too

But for now the absence remains

The distance apart is tremendous You in South America Me in North Not even sure how many miles lay between us

The Americas unite us at least And the sun shining over you Shines over me The love in your heart Is the love in mine The blue sky and white clouds above you Are the same above me I hear the birds singing  And I imagine you do too

The bonds of our rings, our herons, our life Hold us together This earth of soil and water, land and sky  Connects us We share in the same Beauty Color Hope Missing

In our separateness Our spirits still unite The flock of white loons soaring above Remind me so

February 2020

VALENTINE

He scrambles to gather his lunch box, school bag And his phone too Moving swiftly out the door he mumbles “what is she doing?” to the bus driver who has stopped at the driveway instead at the end of the front steps, making it a further scurry His sister already there waiting steps on And he follows shortly behind  Making it just fine

With the closing of the front door stepping back into the warmth My heart opens to feeling an aching again A missing feeling as they head off to school, instead of relief

Words from my lover from the southern hemisphere waiting on my phone Reading his words filling my heart And I pass along the message to his son and daughter Feeling the heartache of missing even more I take my coffee upstairs and quiet myself  And breathe

I make mention to myself of how emotion you can feel in thinking of a moment is not always actually how you feel when the moment arrives…

I put on the piano tunes of Harry Connick Jr. for soothing Reading the words Receive and Reflect in my morning meditation speak to me And draw me to my morning walk As I see there is a clear sky and color on the horizon

I bundle myself up for the 3 degree weather Letting my coffee stay warm on the stove for my return And Buddy and I head out for our new found morning routine of walking the property

The snow crunches beneath my feet The cold air burns inside of my nose But oh the clear sky brings a sigh of relief The soft colors to the east  I turn to the west looking high in the sky  And the moon shines brightly  A skip of hope flutters through me I walk on  Taking pause at the back of the five acres  I take in the beauty of the open sky, shining moon, frozen pond, soft colors on the horizon

A lonely junco flies by I feel the same Bringing comfort in knowing I’m not the only one flying alone this morning I get to the back fence line The cloud formation on the horizon appears as a mountain range I image it so The lining on the clouds begin to appear, this time gold And the sun is rising…

I stand again and stare  Noticing the quiet of the moment  The fresh air The far off bird calling The stillness Up ahead on the path Buddy stares at me Waiting Then running back to get a pat on the head My toes are cold I walk again Waiting, impatiently waiting, for the sun to rise up over the ridge of clouds

I follow Buddy back to the house as the cold was sinking into my bones As I get to the pond looking east through the trees I see it The gold ball of light shining Making its way through  The tree, the cold, the winter sky  And onto my face Joy, relief  Thankfulness I walk on and the sun gets bigger and brighter Elation I stand at the gate by the house Staring into the sun with my eyes closed Feeling its warmth just enough To say I feel it The snow sparkles The steam rises off the small creek appearing turquoise in the morning light To meet the steam of my breath as I exhale Another moment bringing relief, hope, feelings of Love swell in me As I am once again in between the moon and the sun

The warmth of the house greets me kindly The light flooding in the windows Putting shadows on the wall  And rainbows on the floor The poinsettia bright red in the window light The steam of my coffee rises from the stove The piano tunes filling the emptiness Everything turning beautiful  Quite beautiful

All the while I wear my lovers worn red faded sweatshirt  Over my purple long sleeved shirt  With my winter red hat keeping my head warm Feeling so loved even with no one around… Just the birds eating their morning seed as I write.

A very Happy Valentine.

Yellow Diamonds

The weeds sparkle like yellow diamonds, dancing in the morning sunlight After a cold dark night, lit only by the sparkling stars and the tiniest sliver of a moon Now rejoicing for warmth, for light, for another day Unfolding before us…

Gratefulness We survived the night  And the day before Uncertain as what would time would hold Yet we were there standing  Looking, waiting, observing Which birds would fly by today Would they choose me to land Would they find their prey under my nesting Would the deer come to graze And perhaps choose me for nutrients Or for their bed Would the coyotes trample over me Would I still be standing by morning Or would the world take me The wonderings, the worries All I can do is stand here Proudly showing the world my best self Feeling the wind, the cold air, the warmer air And very cold air again Day after day Night after night

The snow falls The sun shines The moon rises Days go by I hold here Openly Patiently For the hopes of spring And new growth What will I gain from the earth And offer back to the world So much uncertainty  Unknowing Without controlling  The animals, the birds, the sky I stand here Presently, bravely, with courage This day In the morning sunlight  And sparkle like yellow diamonds

I too am a weed, May I sparkling like yellow diamonds.

February 2020

Another Grey Day

Caught in the sunrise this morning

As I was heating my coffee

The color on the horizon got my attention

Through the small kitchen window

Standing there, gazing 

At the hot pink against the deep blue of the upper sky

And the soft yellow to the north where the light was already reaching

Something in me knew this may be only color I see today

As clouds and rain are in the forecast

Even better foretold by the blanket of clouds quickly moving in

Spreading across the sky leaving only the six feet of horizon

Just enough space to see the brilliant colors 

The start of a new day

The pink reaching further up now, the orange glow following behind

The color now reflecting in the small creek to the east of the house

And in the puddles on the gravel driveway

This scene holds me here 

My coffee now too hot 

Holding my mug letting the steam rise to my face

As the color and light 

Reach into my heart

Offering lightness and hope

May I peacefully let this day unfold

Bringing all that it has for us

Trusting

Patiently

Expectantly 

Of the goodness and beauty that awaits

And may the color of this morning 

Hold in me

As another grey day 

In February

Comes upon us…

February 2020

1/2 Moon

The half moon hangs over the top of the house  As the color begins to fill the sky With light yellow light pinks, hot pinks and oranges And the sky in-between a turquoise blue Further to the north with wispy clouds are soft pastels of pink and purple  Whimsically suspended in the air With all shades of blues to the north filling in the gaps Creating quite a beautiful quiet scene

My heart skips a beat when with moon caught my eye As I was wondering where it would be hanging in the morning sky And it’s bright halfness seems right for this morning And I like to imagine the other half is with you This halfness feels familiar as I gaze

The lady cardinal comes to eat along with a junco Hopping around on the snowy table  Looking for seed I step out to fill the feeders The sun is getting close to rising as the gold clouds indicate The birds sing their thank you as I come back inside And there the bright red male carinal comes to eat along with another lady  And a sparrow I listen to their melodious songs They must be as excited for the sun as I am 

And there the light hits the wall Putting a spotlight on the words “All you LOVE” written on the chalkboard  A glow fills the living space behind me I’m reflecting on the ways we really do live our days so similarly Sometimes I forget the ways I live on my own I watch the sunrise, drink my coffee, feed the birds, walk the property Enjoy food and drink Take in the sunset Appreciating with immense gratitude the quiet and space here Even play the guitar, read and write, and dream of you returning The woodpecker joins in along with a finch The sunlight highlights the red on their heads Quite a sight actually

This halfness of the moon Feeling so familiar, nature explaining to me how I feel, who I am Even when just showing the half the half still shines brightly Carries on until the full face of the moon sees the sun again Perpetuating love and rhythm and care and guidance While the other half shines brightly somewhere else on the other side of the world Perpetuating love and rhythm and care and guidance Both halves lighting the way for those who see, who look up Both halves looking over what is theirs to look over, taking responsibility for only that Until at last both halves will shine together again in fullness, with bright radiant light Perpetuating love and rhythm and care and guidance together To one part of the world at a time But for the moment we shine separately  Shining brightly in our individual wholeness and halfness

Two morning doves make their way to the fallen seed on the ground Ice cycles fall from the sky The speckled starling sits on the perch The juncos, the sparrows, the finches all feast together As one day soon we will do the same.

February 2020

She Sleeps

She sleeps

with her white blanket pulled tight

covering warmly her legs and feet

revealing her arms of stone

her face so graciously carved from the mountain that holds her.

And there she rests

held in with the warm balmy air

as night falls, the sun setting

the sky turning all shades of blue

and subtle drops of water begin to fall…

The sleeping princess sleeps

dreaming fondly of the world around her,

I imagine,

and perhaps also of the one

who will come someday

to wake her.

April 16, 2013

Mt. BROMO

clouds tumbling over the mountains

as we look down from our high perch

atop an unnamed place,

the sun on its way we know 

as the sky turns blue before our eyes

with some gusts of air 

and few passing moments 

the first ray appears, 

a light pinking, glowing, shining forth from its source

illuminating all in its path

clouds tousle about

creating quite a scene

changing one moment to the next 

for all those who’ve gathered

stand and stare

colors of peach then pink

catch the moving sums of moisture

hiding and revealing and hiding again 

the mountains below

another ray appears…

April 15, 2013

Morning of the Meadowlark

and the bumbling fly buzzes against the window unsure of what its doing if it’s flying up or down living or dying regardless it finally sits at rest

A movement of white near the ground catches my eye Squinting I see that it’s a bird sitting on the ground But what bird? I don’t recognize the tail I slowly pull the binoculars of the wall

I scramble to get the glasses into focus before the bird moves on from it’s spot They are foggy so I quickly clean them off Focusing in I see the speckles on the back and wings A bit of a larger bird Still curious I watch Then it turns to the east And I see it’s bright yellow chest With a black V collar proudly displayed around it’s a neck A meadowlark!

I listen to it sing In between eating from the ground Then it walks and takes a few hops over near the bluebird house It sits on the tall grass

a house finch swoops down eating the few seeds that remain and off it goes to the west a morning dove makes it’s way over the field at a steady pace and earlier a very large hawk leapt from its perch high up in a tree soaring into the sky it went circling around then heading north

Looking out into the world Just as I do from inside the cabin Sitting and looking Just as I do It hops back down to lower ground, continues eating Disappearing behind the mounded grass Then flies up to the tall tree in the northwest corner

there’s the hovering bird a smaller hawk I think it quickly repeatedly flaps its wings staying in one place in the sky as it looks down what is it looking for? what does it see? hoping for food I’m sure it releases it’s hover and flies back to the tree

the hoverer returns back to its spot of hopefully prey back and forth over the field hovering its red tail spread wide I see through the binoculars a red tail hawk it must be

moving closer now still hovering it takes a short dive then returns back up high again and out of sight back in sight, swopping, hovering will it find what it’s looking for? is this an exciting part of being a bird? or feel does it feel like work? how hungry is it enduring so much hovering

The meadow lark returns Near the same mound of grass it left Now it flies over to the other bluebird house squatting the ground there Showing off it’s yellow chest Singing its gentle melody True music to my ears And the rusty bell rings outside As the wind shifts and moves about

The sky is clear now except for the grey clouds The activity ceases , birds are out of sight Only the song of the meadowlark goes on And the howling wind The ringing bell The sound of geese flying overhead As I sit and look out at the world The day continues on…

the red tail flashes in front of me dive bombing right in font of the window my eyes wide as I see it and the Prey as it barely escapes nearly getting caught right in front of my eyes and the little gray bird sits injured on the porch or perhaps petrified

after some time the bird does regain strength flying up from the porch to the feeder clinging tightly to the ledge it takes some seeds gathers its nourishment and courage and flies south

February 2020

Greenhouse and Bluebirds

I sit like a plant in a greenhouse My face drawn to the sunlight coming through the cabin window And the fire warming my back It’s like the comfort of being in between the sun and the moon This morning I’m between the sun and the fire, a good place to be  Yet not without first staring at the waning crescent moon in the morning sky Watching as she gently faded into the blue and yellows of the morning sunrise

The ground frosted this morning  Creating a soft sparkly white across the open fields The windows frosted too From this cold, cold February air

I go out to chop a few pieces of wood for the fire Putting the log in place to be split I raise my hatchet over my head  The sun rises up from the horizon We greet each other warmly, holding a gaze ever so briefly Before letting the hatchet fall Chopping wood with the sun is a good way to begin a day

With two sips of coffee left  Something catches my eye out with window A house finch lands on the near feeder But two other birds land on the bluebird box From inside the cabin they look small and black I grab the binoculars to take a closer look  I quickly adjust the focus and the blue shimmers from the female’s back As she inspects the house The male sitting tall on the roof, protecting As he turns to the east the blue shines brightly and brilliantly on his back Then they swoop over to the other box And again the female inspects and the male stands guard They sit in the sun too for a little while Then fly south over top the cabin 

The purple finches come to eat With their shiny red heads…

A good time spent with the bluebirds and purple finches Sitting in this cabin that is as warm as a greenhouse Time feels so slow back here Yet somehow passes by very quickly

february 2020

Space In My Chest

Inhale

Exhale

I breathe…

The scar from an old wound aches

somewhere deep under my skin.

The memories of pain and terrible circumstance

want to flood my mind like a swarm of escaping butterflies.

They are rising, I can feel it.

I don’t want to feel it though or even think of these memories

or remember that they have been lying dormant

somewhere inside of me.

Taking another breath…

I let myself remember just enough

to remember I have a new life now.

I acknowledge the wretched pain just enough

to acknowledge why I can feel the scar right now.

And I tell myself “it’s okay” over and over until

it’s just enough to really feel okay.

Breathe

Breathing...

Inhale

Exhale

I let the tears fill my eyes,

I let the old pains roll through, noticing

they're not nearly as painful as they once were.

I let the memories surface just enough to fade back away…

The moments feel long…

Sitting and breathing…

Time becomes still, taking another breath

I let the peace resume its space in my chest

and calmly watch the butterflies flutter across the field.

September 2017